I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
You Might Also Like
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.