[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.