therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
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single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.