*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.