How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.