I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.