Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids