Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.