“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings