[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh