No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
A short story about romance.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.