I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
What a website
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator