Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.