Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice