I self medicate, therefore you live.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Muppet Screams
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.