Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.