I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
#Caturday
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
bro what is going on at twitter
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
🏙👨🏼