I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
This guy gets it.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”