*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”