I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Peace was never an option
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.