sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Livid.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.