don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.