Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
emergency phone
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Jupiter
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden