Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
You Might Also Like
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Wasn’t this a cartoon.