Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
When can I start eating bats again.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.