[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Trying
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*