[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
You Might Also Like
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.