ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
new shirt idea
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My typo game is string.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal