Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
new wife guy just dropped
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.