kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”