You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Money is the root of all wealth
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Lol
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.