Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
You Might Also Like
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
adam and eve had first world problems
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!