A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.