Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.