Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.