The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Europe. Made in Germany.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.