I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.