Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.