I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
You Might Also Like
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Ok but actually
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance