mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.