Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don鈥檛 let it happen again
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I鈥檓 not going to lie, pretty easily.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
There are two wolves inside you, I don鈥檛 remember what you鈥檙e supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can鈥檛 even name one of their songs
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
billionaire: we鈥檙e all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
girls in high school: we don鈥檛 like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn鈥檛 really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree