Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.