INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.