What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
You Might Also Like
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
They’re called werewolves.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.