I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
the dark web is just a goth google.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here