Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
🤔😂😂
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?