How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.