6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*