You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live