i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah